Making men to be proud of

Violence against women. It is not a new concept brought about with the advancement of technology or time. Through out the centuries it has been there. Hidden. Eyes averted. Not our business. Whispered through gossip circles. Advised to keep your nose out of it, if you know what's good for you.

I would have thought abuse against women would lessen as the younger generations grew into the men of today. That they knew better than to rape or sexually assault a woman - unknown to them or their own partner, a person they are meant to love & respect. That they knew better than to slam a woman against the wall. To bash her self esteem into shattered pieces with their caustic words & disgustful stares. I thought our generation of twenty first century men were better than this. 

So grossly disillusioned.

Headlines, recent & past, prove that too many men today still see nothing wrong with abuse towards women. Verbal, physical, psychological. The bruises are there. I imagine they never truly heal either.

I'm not painting all men with the same misogynistic brush. Many are gentlemen, fine men who would never hurt a woman & would stand to protect them in any situation. Fine men any Mum would be proud to know they helped raise, nurturing them from little boys, through the hormone driven teenage years, to see the young man emerge they are now.

But the men with hidden monsters. The ones who have less commonsense than our early homo-sapien ancestors, the men who see it as their right to treat women as less than any person deserves...What went wrong? Are their parents proud of these young men they helped shape into the perpetrators of today? Was there a turning point during their younger years that sparked the threads of aggression & dominance over females. Nature or nurture? 

What is equally scary as their potential to ruin lives, is that these men are completely normal in appearance. They have friends, they go to work at their every day jobs, they care for their parents & treat their pets as family members. They don't go around drooling & grunting, dragging their fists along the ground. They are educated men in today's world of privilege & freedom. Would it be easier, safer, if we could see the fault lines in their personality as easy as we can see the clothes they are wearing?

Raising our own five young boys, the future male generation to come, I constantly question if I'm doing it right. What are we doing to instill the right values, morals & respect towards all women with our boys. They love their sister & their Mum. They love their Grandma, Auntie & all other female family & friends of all ages. Not once have they shown persistent signs of aggression, disrespect or arrogance towards any female. Surely so far, so good, right? 

Our boys have some amazing male role models in their lives, starting first & foremost with their Dad, who is an absolute gentleman. He shows myself & Rianan absolute love & respect, never raising a hand or his voice. Words of aggression or disgust have never been spoken & directed at us. The same can be said for the Uncles, Grandad's & close male friends in our lives, I could not ask for better men for our boys to look up to & to imitate. 

What happens to make some men turn ugly?

Did Vincent Standford, the man accused for murdering Stephanie Scott have a loving childhood? 

What male role models did Oscar Pistorius have in his life as he grew into the man he became? 

What leads a man to the justification or to their perceived right to sexually assault a woman. To physically attack her or to take her life. How have they come to the conclusion that to speak words of disgrace, of ugliness & despise to their partner is okay?

I used to think as the generations moved forward, that acts of violence against women, racism, homophobia, bigotry was a dying concept. Instead, it seems that the only change is now we cover it more freely in the news, or openly carry on like ignorant idiots instead of waiting for the door to close to keep it in the privacy of your own home. It is still commonplace to witness hateful attacks on strangers for their life choices. Instead of stepping in & standing up for the victim, people are watching the attack through the screen on a mobile phone before uploading the recording to YouTube. 

I want to think Doug & I are doing enough, over & above, to make sure our boys will grow into men we will be proud of. Who would never abuse women, in any way or form. Or any person for their lifestyle choices, their appearance or for the way they were born. I look back at our parenting over the last ten years, & I look forward to how I anticipate we will continue to raise our minions, it seems that we are on the right track. Our boys are pretty damn great now, surely if we continue in the same flexible way our boys will turn into men who love their partners with gentle affection & not harsh words or vicious actions. 

What can the parents of today do, or not do, to help the future men & women of tomorrow? Is that even a question to pose? Because at the end of the day there is no reason, no excuse or past event big enough to justify or slightly condone this behaviour or attitude. Every person is responsible & accountable for their own actions. The one true freedom we have is to make our own choices & follow through with our own actions, accepting any consequences that may follow. 

Making heroes, not monsters. Nature? Nurture? None of the above?

Unsung hereos

Behind the scenes there is someone who helps me hold it all together, who without him life wouldn't be as amazing as it is.

Someone who sacrifices so much for his family. Sanity being one of them.

But seriously, Doug is my co-hero, my co-pilot, the man who helps hold everything together when I don't have the energy to some days. He is my day off, he is my motivational speaker, he is my calm when I'm feeling anything but, just as I am his.

Working over fifty hours a week & still each night when he comes home...he keeps going. Instead of going straight to the couch he goes straight to the kitchen to see if I need a hand with anything for dinner. Instead of wanting space from the demands put on him, he scoops up Blake & Will tickling their feet while they giggle & shriek upside down. Instead of retreating somewhere quiet to have some downtime, he talks with Ben & Rianan about their day, their friends, what or who they played with after school. He listens to Jack get excited about his soccer match & the many slide tackles he did - in detail. He'll take Clay who is squirming & grizzling on my shoulder, so I don't have to juggle & multitask with one arm trying to cook dinner. 

Then there's the days where instead of cooking dinner all I want to do is sit on the couch & not have to do anything. With a tribe of kids to cook dinner for though it's kind of a necessity. Feeding seven people also means that whipping up a quick meal for two is impossible, & take out becomes as expensive as a trip to Bali. I'm willing to admit there are evenings when Doug walks in the door & instead of being greeted with the smell of dinner cooking, he walks into the chaos of a routine gone AWOL.

Rather than throwing his arms up & walking back out the door, he rolls his sleeves up & gets the pots & pans out. Within thirty minutes dinner is ready, the kids have done their delegated jobs, I've come out of the fetal position in the corner & some order of balance has appeared.

Someone else to pick up the balls that I dropped, to put the wheels back on that fell off, to pick up the tools when I feel like I'm done with the day. To receive as much recognition as I do, but doesn't.

Doug is who the kids go to when they want an extra cookie after dinner, who gives up watching the news to listen to the kids while we eat dinner. The one the kids ask for another piece of chocolate - because they know Mum rarely shares hers. Doug is the parent who can bring the kids into line when they get hyped up & my voice no longer has an impact. Doug is the parent who takes the kids out in the mud, gets the pencils & sits down with them designing super race cars & mega spaceships. Doug is the 'fun' parent, especially when I'm all 'activity' worn out.  

Doug does almost as much of the parenting, the caring, the cooking, the discipline, the cuddles, the teaching, the cleaning, the guiding of values & morals. But because he is rarely seen by others in this role (for working many hours) he is often unnoticed. Not that he needs me, or anyone else, to validate his worth & efforts. 

Occasionally Dad's are overlooked, just because the Mother is (usually) the primary caregiver, so presumed the 'primary parent' in all aspects & the one who is acknowledged for raising the children. 

This is to all the unseen Dad's, the Dad's of one, the Dad's of many. 
To Doug, the Daddy to our minions.
For all the unsung heroes.
Thank you.